I need not fear.

Every six months all the members of the LDS Church gather to listen to living prophets and apostles of Jesus Christ. The messages they share, which they prayerfully prepare in advance, are special and relevant to our times. For example, today I heard many things that I almost felt were directed straight at me! Things about being patient with myself, gaining spiritual confidence, being quicker to forgive, and working always in kindness. I feel so uplifted now, as my spirit had started to become weak in the past little while.

I know it’s not popular or typically seen as a positive quality to be so religious as I’ve become in the past few years, but I’ve learned to be brave through it. I’ve learned to be okay with standing constantly at odds with most of my peers. When I first joined the Church, I would talk about my newfound faith through my elbows! I would share what I was learning to everyone and at all times. But I have to admit that since, I’ve felt broken many times. Sometimes the message I share seems to fall on deaf ears, other times its been completely mocked. More often than not, it’s just difficult to even begin to share it because I know that most people aren’t “ready” to understand. And I care and love and respect the experiences of others too much to just come rushing in with this storm of a message I carry in my heart. I feel too responsible. I feel inadequate in being able to explain it all, every bit I’ve been able to learn and savor and learn again. I’ve felt too inadequate to show the world that this message is actually more relevant and tangible than it first appears to be, that each one of us actually already carries the faculties within to become immersed in such a cause and to be so wonderfully transformed by fighting for it! I feel too inadequate to explain the spiritual manifestations that I’ve received, because they are too personal and too sacred, and everyone needs to choose to experience them for themselves. Everyone can experience them for themselves. But, as with everything in this life, they have to choose. We all have to choose.

Well, I have surely chosen. And by choosing to believe in Christ, a prophet and Savior whom many have learned to doubt because His very followers have failed to represent Him fairly, I also choose to stand at odds. And that’s okay. I will try to get over my fears and inadequacies and I will just try to explain in simple words what I’ve come to know. The best way that I can do that is like this: honestly and stripping myself of all protection from scorn. Exposing my biggest weaknesses and fears. Vulnerably. I will get over thinking that I have to do it alone, for He who sent me is my very source of strength and He has shown me time and time again that I need not fear.

Sharing this big ol’ chunk of my heart publicly is all I can do for now. ♥

Lady Stardust

 If there is one thing I surely want to remember about this summer is the amount of time I got to spend with my little sister. The fact that we're eight years apart in age is becoming less and less evident in the way we treat each other and admittedly also in that she's now taller than me. Yikes! But boy, do I love every bit of her. When we're together it's easy for me to completely let my guard down and act plain silly. We laugh so long and loud sometimes that I'm sure our parents are starting to become concerned.

This summer we beat boredom by taking pictures, eating farmers market bread, making fake movie trailers and other videos, filming our parents doing weird stuff, making fun of our parents doing weird stuff, boycotting against the viewing of telenovelas in our house, listening to Buddy Holly and Gepe, watching Rugrats for hours, baking chocolatey desserts and devouring them, practicing our Português (her favorite word is "abacaxi"), and looking up some seriously bizarre things on Google. Did I mention we laughed a lot?

Her existence is living, earnest evidence of God's love and involvement in my life. Without a doubt.

I feel sorry I didn't learn to appreciate her more earlier. I let the excitement of finally having a little sister and a new best friend die away as the years rolled on. I hope that I'll be able to make up all that time to her by loving her and honoring her virtues. Let me tell you, she has many. She is a light to the world, a beacon of hope, and the biggest blessing my family has received. I truly believe that. I find evidences of this truth every day as I witness the wonderful, graceful way in which she brings everyone together, whether intentionally or not. I especially see it in her unconditional forgiving nature. I am grateful for her wisdom, and the way she constantly calls me out in my pride and humbles me with her simple words. I pray that she will always stand for truth and goodness, no matter how much the rest of her changes.

 Thank God for this little girl whose head is constantly somewhere in the vastness of space; seeking, creating, learning, and loving as she goes.

(Photos taken on the fourth of July, 2014.)

Being sick is humbling.

Being sick is always a humbling experience, and for that, I am grateful. Weird, huh? But it's true. When I am sick, I am always forced to slow down. Lay down. Relax. Except...I hate relaxing. Unless I am daydreaming or in need of a nap, I hate just lying there doing nothing. Being sick, weak, and in pain is the perfect reminder that I don't have control over everything.

Of course for my stubborn self, being sick also seems to be the perfect motivation to get more done. For example, on Saturday night I decided I wanted to make homemade granola. Even though my entire body craved peace and rest, I prepared and baked that granola non-stop. Afterward I cleaned up the mess I had made without second thought (hallelujah!) and I even cleaned the pantry. I know. What a freak. I would have washed the dishes too if my mom had let me...

Unfortunately, I did have to miss out on Stake Conference because of this. Sunday morning I woke up feeling extra weak but determined to at least watch the live broadcast of the conference at my local church building. I thought there wouldn't be many people, but the place was packed! I sunk into my seat hoping to be able to keep my illness to myself for the whole two hours. I succeeded, and though towards the end it became more difficult to sit still, being able to feel the Spirit in such a special way was worth it. Always worth it.




And what a beautiful day it was! Since it was freezing inside the chapel (as it always seems to be), I walked straight out of there craving nothing but the sun and its warmth. The moment I realized I was out in full sunlight and actually enjoying it, I knew this whole being-sick deal was something special to learn from. On the way home all I craved was a warm bed to nap on, and I promise, though it might sound crazy, I entered my room and frantically delighted in every passing second for the next half hour. I snuggled in my bed as if I had never snuggled in a bed before. I snapped pictures and scribbled hurriedly in my thought journal everything I could feel so I wouldn't forget. I simply felt joyful.

How is it that we can feel full of light when everything should be darkness and distress? I only attribute it to the Light of Christ. The beautiful, simple knowledge of things as they really are. I am grateful for a body that fights to heal itself, and I am grateful for a spirit that is bound, through faith, to rest in due time in the celestial mansions of a loving Heavenly Father.

 I am grateful for sleepy, sickly eyes; for an aching chest and a sore throat. I am grateful for darkness in contrast with warmth and light. I am grateful for people who feel the same kinds of things that I do, and longingly try to explain it all in words during simple but powerful church meetings. I am grateful to be a witness and participant of the miracles of this life.