Michelle, my belle

Whenever I walk home from church I make a point of taking this one street that is full of dreamy, perfect houses that make me feel like I’m in a movie. Certainly if I had to live in this city all my life, I’d like a house on this street. It always feels like spring walking down it, no matter the season, and it never fails to cheer up my step and bring a smile to both my face and my heart, as cheesy as that may sound. I'm glad I had my camera with me this past Sunday so that I could finally document and write about it. This is something I don’t want to forget.

So I didn't feel quite comfortable taking pictures of the actual houses this time around. But I think I will go back soon and maybe make a photo project out of admiring my favorite details of this street, including the dainty, dream-like houses. Maybe I can even get a snap of that cute elderly couple that sometimes work in their garden together. Maybe I can actually manage to capture a close-to-accurate depiction of the charm this little place has, for the sake of long-term remembrance.

When I look back on my times on this street, I want to be able to remember the awe and wonder that it brought to my mind. I want to remember how excited I would get at any chance to walk home just to experience this once more. I don't want to forget how some days walking past there felt like I was on a pioneer trek, not because of the weather or the distance, but because of how I felt; absolutely alone or held up by angels, weak or brave, angry or just plain confused. I want to remember the early seminary mornings that feel so long behind me now. I don't want to forget how it felt walking past there on my way to school at 7:20am. I should have felt sleepy or tired, but I actually felt invigorated. I felt grateful and hopeful. Every single time. The sun seemed to literally shine brighter, the flowers were merrier, the rain was bolder. The fog felt light and loving all around. The whole world seemed to greet me and congratulate me on how beautifully the seed of faith was being nurtured and growing inside me.

 I would absolutely love to remember.
x

I need not fear.

Every six months all the members of the LDS Church gather to listen to living prophets and apostles of Jesus Christ. The messages they share, which they prayerfully prepare in advance, are special and relevant to our times. For example, today I heard many things that I almost felt were directed straight at me! Things about being patient with myself, gaining spiritual confidence, being quicker to forgive, and working always in kindness. I feel so uplifted now, as my spirit had started to become weak in the past little while.

I know it’s not popular or typically seen as a positive quality to be so religious as I’ve become in the past few years, but I’ve learned to be brave through it. I’ve learned to be okay with standing constantly at odds with most of my peers. When I first joined the Church, I would talk about my newfound faith through my elbows! I would share what I was learning to everyone and at all times. But I have to admit that since, I’ve felt broken many times. Sometimes the message I share seems to fall on deaf ears, other times its been completely mocked. More often than not, it’s just difficult to even begin to share it because I know that most people aren’t “ready” to understand. And I care and love and respect the experiences of others too much to just come rushing in with this storm of a message I carry in my heart. I feel too responsible. I feel inadequate in being able to explain it all, every bit I’ve been able to learn and savor and learn again. I’ve felt too inadequate to show the world that this message is actually more relevant and tangible than it first appears to be, that each one of us actually already carries the faculties within to become immersed in such a cause and to be so wonderfully transformed by fighting for it! I feel too inadequate to explain the spiritual manifestations that I’ve received, because they are too personal and too sacred, and everyone needs to choose to experience them for themselves. Everyone can experience them for themselves. But, as with everything in this life, they have to choose. We all have to choose.

Well, I have surely chosen. And by choosing to believe in Christ, a prophet and Savior whom many have learned to doubt because His very followers have failed to represent Him fairly, I also choose to stand at odds. And that’s okay. I will try to get over my fears and inadequacies and I will just try to explain in simple words what I’ve come to know. The best way that I can do that is like this: honestly and stripping myself of all protection from scorn. Exposing my biggest weaknesses and fears. Vulnerably. I will get over thinking that I have to do it alone, for He who sent me is my very source of strength and He has shown me time and time again that I need not fear.

Sharing this big ol’ chunk of my heart publicly is all I can do for now. ♥