Three days ago was the fifth anniversary since my LDS baptism. I was 18 and shy but bright-eyed, and absolutely confident in my decision. Since then I've learned a lot.
I've learned how fulfilling and comforting leading a religious life can be, to be able to tap into my spirituality and receive peace from a source I'm sure is not of this world. I've learned to see others as equally loved and trusted by God as I came to believe I am. I've learned that church isn't really a place to worship but to grow in some of the most uncomfortable ways. I've learned to be patient with fellow believers when their love for obedience overshadows their love for their neighbor. I've learned that we're all in a process, and that the process isn't linear or uniform for anybody. I've learned to strike up conversations with strangers on the street and to listen with compassion when these awkward encounters turn into heartfelt demonstrations of pain and hardship. I've learned to sit in living rooms with families and to reach out into heaven for the right words to speak to souls looking for answers, when even I don't know those answers they need. I've learned about quiet resignation when my plans fall apart. I've learned about patience and gratitude and long periods of waiting, waiting, waiting. I've learned to create friendships with people I would have never otherwise pursued friendships with, acquainting myself with many different perspectives along the way. I've learned a lot of doctrine, and about how complicated it can seem but how simple it truly is. I've learned about principles, how they never fail. About charity, how it never fails. I've learned to make things work with my family, to be an example to them, work to become better for them, and love them just as they are. I've learned to teach, to understand the scriptures, to understand. I've learned to step outside of myself, and to be so malleable to whatever new lesson I felt God was trying to teach me every day. I learned to stretch myself in ways I didn't know I could, and felt so glad about the person I felt myself becoming. I could never transmit through words or any other means the depth of some of the spiritual experiences I've lived. I've learned who God is and who I am in relation to Him, among so many other beautiful things...
...and at some point during these five years I also learned that all of that—the peace, the assurance, the glad hardship, the elation—could be drowned out in the most bitter bout of depression I've ever lived through. That five years later, all the goodness I lived through and cherished would feel like a stranger's memory I somehow scored an intimate viewing of. Now I'm not really sure what I believe because I confused myself trying to put the pieces back together, and I'm not sure I can ever feel the way I once did, but somehow, through all the bitterness, I am so glad I took that bold step five years ago. This is my experience, and I could never truly resent it.
